Ab Lounge (Studio City, CA)

Could someone please lend me the owner's manual to this thing ASAP!!!!
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/for/1520504091.html
PostingID: 1520504091

Sommelier (Van Nuys, CA)

Trust my vast experience and impress the guests with the correct choice of wine at your holiday party this year! Please email me, Charles Korbelle III (pictured above), for a professional consultation.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/act/1519989587.html

PostingID: 1519989587

Free Bagpipes (Los Angeles - Valley Village)

Well, they’re not exactly mine--but I’d be forever grateful to anyone who will come and take them away from my A-hole upstairs neighbor!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/msg/1508980071.html

PostingID: 1508980071

Flying Carpet (Studio City)

Oh, it flies all right. In fact, it flew straight in my face the last time I argued with my wife!

PostingID: 1504787061

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/1504787061.html

**************

Best Reply:

I think that was the same one that flew at my husband.....I may need it back

From: Micaela ********
To: sale-cc3z5-1504787061@craigslist.org
Sent: Fri, December 11, 2009 8:02:42 PM
Subject: flying carpet

Dog Needs A Good Home (Sherman Oaks)

Wouldn't you know it? My first week in Los Angeles and I find this poor, lonely dog wandering around in Griffith Park. I admit, this beauty has had a bit of a bad temperament since I took him in, but I think all he needs is a kind hearted soul and a good home.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/pet/1503981249.html

Date: 2009-12-10, 10:44AM PST

PostingID: 1503981249

*****************

Best Reply:

Looks like a coyote!!! wtf

Subject: lost dog

From:	"i******gurl@aim.com"
To:	comm-zud9y-1503981249@craigslist.org

A-List Architect Volunteers Services (Midtown Manhattan)

Willing to donate my time and expertise, and ready to take on some new projects. (Please see attached photos of my work)

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/vol/1502705821.html

PostingID: 1502705821

Denzel Washington Look-Alike Available (Encino -M4W)

I'm a Denzel Washington look-alike seeking a woman willing to overlook the fact that I’m short, bald, white, broke, old, wear glasses, have a mustache…and I smoke!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/m4w/1502160793.html

PostingID: 1502160793

Date: 2009-12-09, 8:35AM PST

*************

Best Reply: (proving without a doubt, there is a lid for every pot!)

subject: hey

From:	Louise *******
To:	pers-rhctq-1502139504@craigslist.org whats up i saw your ad on CL. Wanna chat? aol messenger - *h*****22*

College Textbooks - NEVER OPENED (Las Vegas)

Two college textbooks, never opened--and I have my report card to prove it!!!!

http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/zip/1500813340.html

Date: 2009-12-08, 10:40AM PST

PostingID: 1500813340

Star Wars Lightsaber - Only Used Once (Sherman Oaks)

Apparently this this works better than my roommate thought. Suffice it to say he no longer has any use for it, so come pick it up at your own risk.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/1499232777.html

PostingID: 1499232777

Date: 2009-12-07, 11:20AM PST

Sparring Partner Needed (San Fernando Valley)

You think you can last 2 minutes in the ring with me? Bring it on, cupcake!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/act/1495704218.html

Devious Monkey - $10 (West Hollywood)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/for/1494847687.html

I wish I could tell you that this little primate would make for a loving companion and for an adorable, loyal pet, but nothing could be further from the truth. Left to me by a vindictive ex-girlfriend, this insidious, little bastard has vandalized my home, tormented the neighbors, and ruined any chance I might have possibly had at living a normal life. He has absolutely no manners, and judging by his odor, no sense of personal hygiene as well.

Apparently, his favorite hobby is blasting Emo music while jumping around the kitchen throwing pots and pans and smashing dishes like a psychopath. On more than one occasion, he has caused such a disturbance that the police have been dispatched to my home. And as if that isn’t enough—he’s a thief! Of course, I can’t prove it, but I know in my heart this furry, little ingrate took my watch!

This conniving anarchist hides in my house for days at a time, then suddenly reappears at the most inopportune moments to start swinging, jumping, and running around like a complete lunatic wreaking havoc on anything in his path. Last weekend, while I was in my home reviewing financial reports with the company executives, this devious monkey came out of nowhere and snatched the toupee right off my boss’s head--then bolted out of the room screeching! I’m lucky I still have a job.

I am at my wit’s end. I want him OUT!

Date: 2009-12-04, 10:37AM PST
Reply to: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

PostingID: 1494847687

• Location: West Hollywood
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

****************
Best Reply/Correspondence:
THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Date: Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
To: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org

I will take him asap

ME:

Hello,
Sorry for taking so long to reply. I finally caught that devious monkey pilfering trash from the dumpster in my garage. I shut and locked the lid on that little hooligan and rolled him out into the backyard for now. He's banging away inside there making a horrible raucous like he's part of the Blue Man Group. If you think you can get him out and still want him, let me know asap.
-Sig

THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Listen,

I've copied my doctor, Natasha ******** on this mail. She's been assisting me with my daily hallucinations of monkeys. Now I know what I've been seeing is real. I know your monkey. The two of us actually go pretty far back and I'd like to set an appointment up this week.

How does your schedule look?

And, how does the monkey look?

ME:
Doh!

Exquisite Asian Vase - $10 (studio city)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/fuo/1494557403.html

Be the envy of all your neighbors with this breathtakingly beautiful Asian Vase! This highly sought after, yet seldom found collectable, makes for a luxurious centerpiece--as well as serving as an exquisite conversation piece. One could simply stare at it for hours, as its captivating, toilet-water-blue hue calms the soul and gently flushes away all of life's troubles. Equally useful for flowers or rubbish, this stunning Asian vase promises to bring a touch of class into any home.

**Please note, I'm not really sure the vase is Asian, but I'm almost positive that the lady I purchased it from was Chinese.

---

Date: 2009-12-04, 8:03AM PST
Reply to: sale-ewuhs-1494557403@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

PostingID: 1494557403

Bush's Baked Beans

Dear Bush’s Baked Beans,

I love your baked beans! In fact, I believe they saved my life. I've been married for 20+ years, and figured I was doomed for the rest of my life....until last month when I discovered Bush's Baked Beans. I fell in love with the flavor and ate them in large quantities- they go so well with everything! Now I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you your product causes gas, but wait until you hear this! I farted up our condo around the clock for days on end, until the wife decided she could take no more. Yesterday that old bat packed her things and moved in with her sister. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Sincerely your customer for life, Stan Mopinski

Bush's Response:

Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. We are
delighted to hear you enjoy our products.

As always, our consumers' comments on our products are welcome and appreciated.  Thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Kenna H****

Bush Brothers, Consumer Relations 

??

Letter to Pennzoil

Dear Pennzoil,

I love Penzoil motor oil! It's in the car, the tractor, and the mower! Now I'm a 1950s kinda guy...like a 'Bowser' from Sha Na Na if you will. About a month ago, I started usin’ your 10W40 in my hair with fantastic results! It keeps the style I want from mornin' to night. Now my old lady starts tellin' me it might be harmful to use oil in this manner. So I made her a bet it wasn't...but we're writin' to see what you experts have to say on the matter. Thanks in advance, Stan

Pennzoil's Response:
Prolonged and repeated exposure to motor oils can cause defatting or drying of skin. This product is designed for engines not hair. Therefore, we strongly recommend this product not be used in the manner listed above.

-----Original Message-----
From: T********, M****** W OGUS [mailto:M*********.T********@shell.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 9:42 AM
To: R*******, Kenneth D PQS
Subject: Motor Oil for hair

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #1

Benny Hanna

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #2

Jennifer Love Chewitt

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #3

Jay-ZZ Top

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #4

Condalisa Lice

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #5

Brad Shit

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #6

Vanilla Ass