Devious Monkey - $10 (West Hollywood)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/for/1494847687.html

I wish I could tell you that this little primate would make for a loving companion and for an adorable, loyal pet, but nothing could be further from the truth. Left to me by a vindictive ex-girlfriend, this insidious, little bastard has vandalized my home, tormented the neighbors, and ruined any chance I might have possibly had at living a normal life. He has absolutely no manners, and judging by his odor, no sense of personal hygiene as well.

Apparently, his favorite hobby is blasting Emo music while jumping around the kitchen throwing pots and pans and smashing dishes like a psychopath. On more than one occasion, he has caused such a disturbance that the police have been dispatched to my home. And as if that isn’t enough—he’s a thief! Of course, I can’t prove it, but I know in my heart this furry, little ingrate took my watch!

This conniving anarchist hides in my house for days at a time, then suddenly reappears at the most inopportune moments to start swinging, jumping, and running around like a complete lunatic wreaking havoc on anything in his path. Last weekend, while I was in my home reviewing financial reports with the company executives, this devious monkey came out of nowhere and snatched the toupee right off my boss’s head--then bolted out of the room screeching! I’m lucky I still have a job.

I am at my wit’s end. I want him OUT!

Date: 2009-12-04, 10:37AM PST
Reply to: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

PostingID: 1494847687

• Location: West Hollywood
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Best Reply/Correspondence:
THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Date: Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
To: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org

I will take him asap

ME:

Hello,
Sorry for taking so long to reply. I finally caught that devious monkey pilfering trash from the dumpster in my garage. I shut and locked the lid on that little hooligan and rolled him out into the backyard for now. He's banging away inside there making a horrible raucous like he's part of the Blue Man Group. If you think you can get him out and still want him, let me know asap.
-Sig

THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Listen,

I've copied my doctor, Natasha ******** on this mail. She's been assisting me with my daily hallucinations of monkeys. Now I know what I've been seeing is real. I know your monkey. The two of us actually go pretty far back and I'd like to set an appointment up this week.

How does your schedule look?

And, how does the monkey look?

ME:
Doh!