Ab Lounge (Studio City, CA)

Could someone please lend me the owner's manual to this thing ASAP!!!!
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/for/1520504091.html
PostingID: 1520504091

Sommelier (Van Nuys, CA)

Trust my vast experience and impress the guests with the correct choice of wine at your holiday party this year! Please email me, Charles Korbelle III (pictured above), for a professional consultation.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/act/1519989587.html

PostingID: 1519989587

Free Bagpipes (Los Angeles - Valley Village)

Well, they’re not exactly mine--but I’d be forever grateful to anyone who will come and take them away from my A-hole upstairs neighbor!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/msg/1508980071.html

PostingID: 1508980071

Flying Carpet (Studio City)

Oh, it flies all right. In fact, it flew straight in my face the last time I argued with my wife!

PostingID: 1504787061

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/1504787061.html

**************

Best Reply:

I think that was the same one that flew at my husband.....I may need it back

From: Micaela ********
To: sale-cc3z5-1504787061@craigslist.org
Sent: Fri, December 11, 2009 8:02:42 PM
Subject: flying carpet

Dog Needs A Good Home (Sherman Oaks)

Wouldn't you know it? My first week in Los Angeles and I find this poor, lonely dog wandering around in Griffith Park. I admit, this beauty has had a bit of a bad temperament since I took him in, but I think all he needs is a kind hearted soul and a good home.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/pet/1503981249.html

Date: 2009-12-10, 10:44AM PST

PostingID: 1503981249

*****************

Best Reply:

Looks like a coyote!!! wtf

Subject: lost dog

From:	"i******gurl@aim.com"
To:	comm-zud9y-1503981249@craigslist.org

A-List Architect Volunteers Services (Midtown Manhattan)

Willing to donate my time and expertise, and ready to take on some new projects. (Please see attached photos of my work)

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/vol/1502705821.html

PostingID: 1502705821

Denzel Washington Look-Alike Available (Encino -M4W)

I'm a Denzel Washington look-alike seeking a woman willing to overlook the fact that I’m short, bald, white, broke, old, wear glasses, have a mustache…and I smoke!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/m4w/1502160793.html

PostingID: 1502160793

Date: 2009-12-09, 8:35AM PST

*************

Best Reply: (proving without a doubt, there is a lid for every pot!)

subject: hey

From:	Louise *******
To:	pers-rhctq-1502139504@craigslist.org whats up i saw your ad on CL. Wanna chat? aol messenger - *h*****22*

College Textbooks - NEVER OPENED (Las Vegas)

Two college textbooks, never opened--and I have my report card to prove it!!!!

http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/zip/1500813340.html

Date: 2009-12-08, 10:40AM PST

PostingID: 1500813340

Star Wars Lightsaber - Only Used Once (Sherman Oaks)

Apparently this this works better than my roommate thought. Suffice it to say he no longer has any use for it, so come pick it up at your own risk.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/1499232777.html

PostingID: 1499232777

Date: 2009-12-07, 11:20AM PST

Sparring Partner Needed (San Fernando Valley)

You think you can last 2 minutes in the ring with me? Bring it on, cupcake!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/act/1495704218.html

Devious Monkey - $10 (West Hollywood)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/for/1494847687.html

I wish I could tell you that this little primate would make for a loving companion and for an adorable, loyal pet, but nothing could be further from the truth. Left to me by a vindictive ex-girlfriend, this insidious, little bastard has vandalized my home, tormented the neighbors, and ruined any chance I might have possibly had at living a normal life. He has absolutely no manners, and judging by his odor, no sense of personal hygiene as well.

Apparently, his favorite hobby is blasting Emo music while jumping around the kitchen throwing pots and pans and smashing dishes like a psychopath. On more than one occasion, he has caused such a disturbance that the police have been dispatched to my home. And as if that isn’t enough—he’s a thief! Of course, I can’t prove it, but I know in my heart this furry, little ingrate took my watch!

This conniving anarchist hides in my house for days at a time, then suddenly reappears at the most inopportune moments to start swinging, jumping, and running around like a complete lunatic wreaking havoc on anything in his path. Last weekend, while I was in my home reviewing financial reports with the company executives, this devious monkey came out of nowhere and snatched the toupee right off my boss’s head--then bolted out of the room screeching! I’m lucky I still have a job.

I am at my wit’s end. I want him OUT!

Date: 2009-12-04, 10:37AM PST
Reply to: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

PostingID: 1494847687

• Location: West Hollywood
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

****************
Best Reply/Correspondence:
THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Date: Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
To: sale-uzxae-1494847687@craigslist.org

I will take him asap

ME:

Hello,
Sorry for taking so long to reply. I finally caught that devious monkey pilfering trash from the dumpster in my garage. I shut and locked the lid on that little hooligan and rolled him out into the backyard for now. He's banging away inside there making a horrible raucous like he's part of the Blue Man Group. If you think you can get him out and still want him, let me know asap.
-Sig

THEM:
From: Elijah ******
Listen,

I've copied my doctor, Natasha ******** on this mail. She's been assisting me with my daily hallucinations of monkeys. Now I know what I've been seeing is real. I know your monkey. The two of us actually go pretty far back and I'd like to set an appointment up this week.

How does your schedule look?

And, how does the monkey look?

ME:
Doh!

Exquisite Asian Vase - $10 (studio city)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/fuo/1494557403.html

Be the envy of all your neighbors with this breathtakingly beautiful Asian Vase! This highly sought after, yet seldom found collectable, makes for a luxurious centerpiece--as well as serving as an exquisite conversation piece. One could simply stare at it for hours, as its captivating, toilet-water-blue hue calms the soul and gently flushes away all of life's troubles. Equally useful for flowers or rubbish, this stunning Asian vase promises to bring a touch of class into any home.

**Please note, I'm not really sure the vase is Asian, but I'm almost positive that the lady I purchased it from was Chinese.

---

Date: 2009-12-04, 8:03AM PST
Reply to: sale-ewuhs-1494557403@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

PostingID: 1494557403

Bush's Baked Beans

Dear Bush’s Baked Beans,

I love your baked beans! In fact, I believe they saved my life. I've been married for 20+ years, and figured I was doomed for the rest of my life....until last month when I discovered Bush's Baked Beans. I fell in love with the flavor and ate them in large quantities- they go so well with everything! Now I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you your product causes gas, but wait until you hear this! I farted up our condo around the clock for days on end, until the wife decided she could take no more. Yesterday that old bat packed her things and moved in with her sister. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Sincerely your customer for life, Stan Mopinski

Bush's Response:

Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. We are
delighted to hear you enjoy our products.

As always, our consumers' comments on our products are welcome and appreciated.  Thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Kenna H****

Bush Brothers, Consumer Relations 

??

Letter to Pennzoil

Dear Pennzoil,

I love Penzoil motor oil! It's in the car, the tractor, and the mower! Now I'm a 1950s kinda guy...like a 'Bowser' from Sha Na Na if you will. About a month ago, I started usin’ your 10W40 in my hair with fantastic results! It keeps the style I want from mornin' to night. Now my old lady starts tellin' me it might be harmful to use oil in this manner. So I made her a bet it wasn't...but we're writin' to see what you experts have to say on the matter. Thanks in advance, Stan

Pennzoil's Response:
Prolonged and repeated exposure to motor oils can cause defatting or drying of skin. This product is designed for engines not hair. Therefore, we strongly recommend this product not be used in the manner listed above.

-----Original Message-----
From: T********, M****** W OGUS [mailto:M*********.T********@shell.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 9:42 AM
To: R*******, Kenneth D PQS
Subject: Motor Oil for hair

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #1

Benny Hanna

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #2

Jennifer Love Chewitt

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #3

Jay-ZZ Top

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #4

Condalisa Lice

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #5

Brad Shit

Outrager!!!! Pseudo Celebrity #6

Vanilla Ass

Freelance Restaurant Critic / Buffet Specialist (central los angeles)

“Keep heapin’ food on my plate

And your review’ll be great!”

As a former chef, Simon “Soufflé” Lafleur brings more to the table than just his fork and knife. Lafleur’s hunger for success led him to Portland, where his insatiable appetite for the culinary arts, as well as for the ingredients, grew out of proportion. After being relieved as head chef at his former place of employment due to the continued, mysterious loss of inventory, Lafleur has taken life’s lemons and made lemonade. He is currently critiquing restaurants across America for his upcoming book “Feast or Famine,” and judging by the photo, he appears to be doing the former.

If you wish to have Simon review your eating establishment, please reply.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/for/1481977619.html

Date: 2009-11-25, 9:50AM PST
Reply to: sale-uhcsn-1481977619@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Location: central los angeles
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Midget seeking Widgets for a Gadget on a Budget (Southbay)

Happy to buy any nut, bolt, or tool
But praised be the one who can lend me a stool!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tls/1480934494.html

Location: Southbay
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Date: 2009-11-24, 1:44PM PST
Reply to: sale-865np-1480934494@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Chip Wang - 20 (Antelope Valley)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/ant/m4m/1480584930.html

I new in town seeking gay drinking buddy. I Chip Wang.

Date: 2009-11-24, 10:20AM PST
Reply To This Post

Location: Antelope Valley
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Chinese Finger Trap (Long Beach)

Free to anyone who wants to come take this off my hands--literally!

PostingID: 1480369935

los angeles craigslist > long beach / 562 > for sale / wanted > free stuff

Date: 2009-11-24, 8:24AM PST
Reply to: sale-3xj8p-1480369935@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Location: Long Beach

**********

Best Reply: (if one can overlook the obvious problem of physics)

Re: Chinese Finger Trap (Long Beach)

From: Miguel *

Try sticking it up your ass!

Baseball Bat - $20 (Van Nuys)

Only used once for debt collection. Don't misunderstand. It works real good. Da only reason I'm lettin dis baby go is cuz da boys just got me a Louisville Slugger for my birtday. Yous can have it for 20 bucks, or email me wit a offer I can't refuse. Luigi (dat's me in da photo up dair)

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/spo/1477540305.html

Date: 2009-11-22, 10:37AM PST
Reply to: sale-y2zxf-1477540305@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Location: Van Nuys

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Gerald Fitzpatrick Seeks Patrick to Fit Gerald - 40 (haight ashbury)

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/m4m/1476597626.html

Date: 2009-11-21, 1:43PM PST

Gerald Fitzpatrick Seeks Patrick Fitzgerald!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
***************

Best Reply (and yes, like the other CL ads on this blog, this is a real reply):

Hi, I am Daniel ..... thank god I seen your ad over cgaig'list. Being a gay by nature I was feeling a bit shy to contact others to fulfill my desires ..... hoping you may understand.

But after seeing your post I am a bit comfortable to contact you. It seems we both live in the same city so I am best hoping that we can meet easily and can really spend quality time together :D

I have uploaded my pics with different poses and of whole body part, if you know what I mean ;) Just search for me giving our Zip code and my ID: daniel****

Here is that website's link: http://homosonline.com

Btw, you don't need to waste your money at all, since its free to register on this website and you even don't need a credit card or any of that.

Please drop msg. for me there and also upload your REAL photo like mine :D .

Hoping to meet you soon ....

- Daniel

Daniel ****

Daniel****@hotmail.com

Math Tutor (central valley)

I'm a mathemetician named Paul
I can solve any problem at all
The size of your class
Times the width of my ass
Is my cell number, feel free to call!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sgv/zip/1474799429.html

Date: 2009-11-20, 10:20AM PST
Reply to: sale-vcxyg-1474799429@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Location: central valley
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Free Houseplant (Calabasas)

Hello to anyone interested in a free houseplant. My tenant in the guesthouse moved out rather suddenly and left behind a potted plant. My initial impulse was to dispose of this plant because it has a very unpleasant odor and is unattractive, but it is against my morals to dispose of any living thing. I'll be very happy if someone would pick this up sooner than later. Perhaps it is more suitable outdoors. Thank you. Olga

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/1474650604.html

Date: 2009-11-20, 9:04AM PST
Reply to: sale-nttk8-1474650604@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Location: calabasas
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

*********************************
Best Reply:

Will pick up immediately!

From: Jaden J***** <*******jaden@hotmail.com>
Add to Contacts
To: sale-nttk8-1474650604@craigslist.org
Jaden
213 500 (ACTUAL NUMBER REMOVED)

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Classic Vessel - $3500 (Long Beach)

Old, old boat available. Only used once, many, many years ago, to transport animals to safety during a really big flood. If interested, please put: "Attention Noah" in the subject line.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/boa/1474131284.html

Date: 2009-11-19, 8:41PM PST
Reply to: sale-4bz7a-1474131284@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Location: Long Beach
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

************************
Best Reply:

attention noah
Fri, November 20, 2009 8:55:25 AM
From: "brid*****@comcast.net" Add to Contacts
To: sale-4bz7a-1474131284@craigslist.org

can email me some pic of your boat thank you marty

Crappy Brown Chair $25 (Studio City)

Crappy Brown Chair (originally white) now available. Perfect for any shack or shanty, or an elegant addition to any alley. Filled with dust and debris, this one of a kind eyesore is the perfect compliment to any vagabond's decor.

Date: 2009-11-17, 2:35PM PST
Reply to: sale-ugarh-1470624020@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/fuo/1470624020.html

***************
Best Reply:

I don't want this chair, but I just had to say, hahahhahahaa!!!
Crappy Brown Chair - $25 (Studio City)
Tue, November 17, 2009 5:27:34 PM
From: Marina ****
View Contact
To: sale-ugarh-1470624020@craigslist.org
Marina ****, RN
marina****@**.com

Lucky Chinese Spheres (Studio City)

I know it sounds crazy, and I’m not even a superstitious person, but this is real. On my first trip to Chinatown, an old, mystical, Chinese lady told me that these spheres grant the purchaser one, and only one, wish. The first requirement was to never tell anyone what was wished for. Upon my wish being granted, I was instructed to sell the spheres in order to pass along the luck to the next purchaser for no less or no more than the amount of my purchase: twenty-one dollars.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/for/1455111443.html
***********************************************
Best Reply:

I could sure use some luck, so if you still have them, I will buy them from you. My name is Sonia (818) 669-(ACTUAL NUMBER DELETED). Thanks.

From: "******sonia@aol.com"
Add to Contacts
To: sale-kvwab-1455111443@craigslist.org

Cussing Parrot (London)

london craigslist > for sale / wanted > general for sale
Cussing Parrot - £100 (west london)
Date: 2009-11-19, 5:24PM GMT
Reply to: sale-jqsuy-1473166989@craigslist.org

This foul-mouthed bird has spoiled many a dinner party with its poor manners, obscene language, and outrageous insolence. His inappropriate and mortifying outbursts have become altogether intolerable. No need to worry about feeding him, as he has thrived on garbage for the past seven months and drinks freely from the toilet. I purposefully leave his cage door ajar and religiously open my windows every day before going to work, hoping this feathered monstrosity will fly away to a new home. Much to my dismay, this rude, deplorable pet is always waiting to greet me with an insult the moment I return home. He has all but ruined my self-esteem. Please, somebody, take him!
# Location: west london
# it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1473166989

******************************************************
Best Reply:

From:
"Jack Mailer"
Add sender to Contacts

Hullo

The ad for the removal of your parrot caught my eye, and I would like to register my interest in your "feathered monstrosity".

My only concern is that, whilst I am an avid lover of parrots, I have in the past known the sting of the heartache that they can cause. As I'm sure you can imagine, I am now more introverted at social events such as parties and A Level results celebration dinners. Close family members have, on occasion, commented on this.

Can you offer me assurances that I will not be left a lifeless husk (emotionally) if I were to take your parrot?

Regards

Jack